


There's a Fine Line Between Helpful and Obnoxious

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Slut Shaming, at least on Kankri's end, because he's an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Porrim isn't quite sure what she feels for Kankri. He's never done her any good and has only counseled her for his own selfish purposes, but she knows that if she doesn't try to help him then no one will.</p><p>She swears that one of these days that boy's going to get the shit beat out of him for saying the wrong thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's a Fine Line Between Helpful and Obnoxious

**Author's Note:**

> porrim and kankri because these two are funny. kankri's a total bag of dicks but he's also an interesting character to write
> 
> fill for this prompt: http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/19285.html?thread=4471893#cmt4471893

Sometimes, you wonder why you care so much for Kankri Vantas. No one else does, and sometimes you can't say you blame them at all. He's a hypocritical, self-righteous prick with a serious victim complex, and he makes it so, _so_ difficult to say even one kind word about him. 

Yet, you've somehow dealt with him for eons. Millennia spent wandering dream bubbles spread out over paradox space in all its vastness have done nothing to make him any less bearable, in any of his iterations. In fact, the only ones you could stand to hold a decent conversation with were the ones whose love lives had been more successful than your Kanny's. 

One of these was his post-scratch self, known to others as The Sufferer. He remembered you instantly, and had had no qualms with physical contact, even going so far as to hug you after a conversation about Alternian culture that was actually enlightening. No wonder he gained such a following during his lifetime. Your Kankri, as usual, had no idea what he was actually talking about when he touched on the subject himself.

Of course, you'd never force him to try and find a quadrantmate, even though having someone who could actually put up with him would ultimately be better for everybody. You're just tired of having him constantly disparage you for your intentional promiscuity, then rant about how he's celibate and act like that makes him better than you. He'll go on and on about the complexities that intimate relationships within quadrants hold and how that would never suit him, even though you know that he secretly wishes someone could hold any sort of attraction to him. You've seen the way he'll sometimes spare a longing glance in Latula's direction.

It's only when he begins to lecture you on the chastity of your own relationships that you have trouble keeping your composure.

One such occasion is after you converse with his dancestor for the first time. Karkat is quite cute, and far more charming than Kankri could ever hope to be, in your opinion. As soon as the younger Vantas is out of sight, though, Kankri stomps up to you, looking livid. You roll your eyes internally and prepare for a tantrum.

"And just _what_ on Beforus were you doing with my disci- um, dancestor?"

You scoff and cross your arms over your chest. "Talking."

"Oh, is that so?" His blank eyes narrow to slits. "Then why were you posturing so provocatively?"

Rubbing your forehead, you sigh exasperatedly. "I wasn't 'posturing'. We just had a polite conversation, that's all. More polite than you're capable of conducting with anybody, actually."

His cheeks start to go red. "Are you insinuating that in order to be 'polite', I have to show off more of my body than necessary and display a blatantly flirtatious attitude with those whom I have little romantic interest in?" He fumes, his fists clenching at his sides. "Unlike _you_ , Porrim, I prefer not to attempt to advertise myself as available to everyone I meet. While I normally try to turn a blind eye- trigger warning for potentially ableist figure of speech- to your multi-quadrant flings, I will _not_ allow you to pollute my dancestor before I can properly educate him!"

"I did nothing that even remotely implied any interest in him," you retaliate defensively. "All we did was have a casual chat! Why do you have to be so uptight about _everything_? The last thing that poor boy needs is you breathing down his neck with your bullshit sermons about what you think hemoism and purity amount to!"

"I am _teaching_ him about how the struggle for cullees on Beforus is just as relevant as that on Alternia, and how important it is to destroy stereotypes that those with- trigger warning for hemoist slur- mutated blood are incapable of caring for themselves! And what are _you_ teaching him, hm? How much cleavage you can show off in what you're wearing?" He sneers, gesturing to your dress.

"Well, for starters, how to keep someone's interest when talking to them without offending them or putting them to sleep," you deadpan. "It's funny how you seem to think I was flashing my spheres at him, and yet he was still more receptive than you've ever been."

He jabs an accusing finger in your direction. "You had far more leg exposed than was necessary! I saw his eyes straying- you were trying to seduce him, you were perfectly aware that he was ogling you!"

There he goes again, avoiding the actual argument. "Maybe he was admiring my tattoos," you retort sarcastically. "I don't need you schoolfeeding me on how much of my skin is showing, or how it's my fault when it attracts unwanted attention." Smirking cruelly, you go on, "For example, Latula wears perfectly modest attire, but that doesn't stop you from staring when she bends over to pick up her board."

His face fills with an indignant flush, and he opens and closes his mouth several times, sputtering as he attempts to form words. "What- I-I do not. I would _never_ \- what are you even implying-"

You cut him off with a flip of your hair. "Oh, please, Kanny. You know exactly what I'm implying, and that you lack the decency or any of the 'relative chastity' that you claim to possess, especially in comparison to your dancestor. Perhaps before you turn up your nose at everyone else's flaws, do yourself a favor: take a step back and re-evaluate your own- and, while you're at it, go choke on a bulge. Who knows, maybe it'll get you to loosen up." 

Without another word, you turn on your heel and strut off with that sway in your hips, leaving him utterly speechless for once in his pathetic existence. Sometimes all that wriggler really needs is for reality to slap him in the face. The taste of victory is sweet on your pierced tongue, and even sweeter is the knowledge that you won't have him preaching at you about your fashion choices for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> come on and slam and welcome to the jam


End file.
